My Dream: A Lecture to Myself

I just realized that I’m living my dream.  I’ve got parakeets singing in the kitchen, dogs lying underfoot, cats reclining in surprising places, 6 children playing peacefully in the house, homemade bread in a breadbox, hot homemade soup warming in the crock-pot, chickens in the front and back yards, annual and perennial garden in the front, and goats chewing their cud in their little house, while the temperature begins to drop, and I’m typing words to publish.  Since I was a wee child, this was my idea of the perfect adult life.  An elderly lady who just left our house this morning mentioned to me, “Everything is always happy at your house!  Not every day is a happy day, but everything and everyone is always happy!”  What a beautiful compliment–I’ve always wanted to have a happy home for people and children to enjoy visiting.

The only thing missing from the above paragraph was that I wanted the perfect husband to go along with it.  I wanted a man who would understand me–know when I’m feeling down or get excited about something I’m excited about–to be interested in me as much as I am in him.  At the beginning of getting to know each other, he was very much like this.  I felt for the first time that I’d found the perfect Biblical husband. He is attracted to my unexpected impetuous nature, a very hard worker who does 150% of the jobs he’s asked to perform at work, and is very generous.

Within 6 months, I was pregnant with our first child.  I was pregnant 6 times before we had been married 10 years.  It was a very busy but lonely time of life for me.  He became more and more involved and busy with the corporation he worked for and was trying to make sure he never lost a job with all the mergers and acquisitions that kept happening.  We moved an average of once every 4 years to keep up with the job changes.

He always stayed with me physically, but his mind was often elsewhere.  I could feel this, and some months it was much worse than others.  As the children grew older, and my first one left the nest, he became emotionally very distant from me.  I don’t want to mention all the stuff that happened since that time.  Right now we are in a comfortable era of our marriage–getting close to 20 years.  Our lives are very much how we had each wanted them to be.  He’s where he wanted to be with his job, and I have the animals, children, garden, and now–because the children are not babies anymore– I’m able to reach out and teach others book and heart knowledge.  Unfortunately, as a protection over the years, I’ve gained his attitude toward our marriage.  Maybe it’s a protection thing so that I don’t continue to feel hurt.  Hoping and then seeing those hopes dashed over and over can really numb a heart.

I have talked with many women in their 40s and 50s.  Many have either divorced recently or now have their own enterprises that keep them busy.  We are all mostly professed Christians, some further along the path than others. Many of us married ones serve our husbands with willing hearts and make our home beautiful and peaceful, and just like Proverbs 31, our husbands are successful with their work and business.  BUT, what about the rest?  Why do we feel like our husbands aren’t fulfilling their part of the marriage of protecting us because we are weaker vessels,  providing and caring for our physical and mental health, and being the epitome of Christ to us, their wives?? Why aren’t we precious to them after the first year or less of marriage?  We have all tried so many things to gain that feeling that we had when they really paid attention to us before we got married…why must it be that they discard interest in us like tossing an old pair of shoes–and why so soon?

Where are the men who follow Christ’s example of a Husband?  Very rarely, we’ve seen them in some of the elderly couples who we’ve met.  The wives still looking at the husbands with adoring and respectful eyes, and the husbands looking down at them with huge love and gentleness in their eyes for their wives.  Our generation and my father’s generation of husbands were never taught how to love their wives, so they are more about gaining respect for themselves than giving love and time and sacrifice.

So what do we unfulfilled Christian wives do in the meantime? We pray, we cry (sometimes to each other), and we learn to devote more and more of our time to serving and loving our Savior–the only Husband we can truly count on and who has never failed us–who has truly been there with us in the hospitals, the grieving, the sorrow, and the loneliness. That is the only solution that I see.  Therefore, I must forget about that little part of my dream and just be thankful for all the other very beautiful parts that have come true—and keep being me….keep spreading God’s light and love to those around me…and be grateful that my husband is a hardworking man, providing for his family, allowing me to help others and try my ideas and inventions with what my brain is always brimming full.

Yes, this was a very strange post….I think more of a lecture to myself. 🙂



So, today was the 8th little YouTube video that I made about Being in the Presence of God or Loving God, Finding Peace and Joy [my interpretations] (based on the conversations and letters of Brother Lawrence).  Each day that I do a little reading and talking about it, I find that I have to deal with the very lessons that I’m reading about.  For instance, the first day I discussed continual peace and joy–and I had panic attacks worse than I’ve had in a very long time.  Another day, I had discussed having patience and waiting on God, and issues propped up all day long that were testing my patience!

Today, after I made the video, I watched from the window while doing dishes as my neighbor backed into my blackberry patch and bent the fencing around it.  I walked quietly into the other room, so I did not get anxious about it–instead, I said a prayer.  He fixed it as well as possible and then left.  My blackberries looked untouched. Then, the cable company had to come and replace the Internet cable.  Again, I felt a little bit of anxiety as we have just fixed up the house and have a huge debt to pay now–every penny is counted.  However, I went into another room instead of watching the men work, and I said a quick prayer again.  Praise God, the new cable and labor is not being charged to us!!

I think both these things that happened so early already today were tests.  Tests to see if I am paying attention to God.  I think there will be many more such tests coming while I’m studying and getting to know God even more.  This time around trying to get close to God, I must hang in there…not let fear get in the way of progress. Brother Lawrence wrestled with his torment for 4 years, and then he found continual peace and joy for the rest of his life….and he lived 77 years–an unusually long time for the 1600s!

The Path

Mountains, plains, and valleys are on the path of life.  Mountains are a struggle to climb, but once on top they give us a beautiful view of what is in front of us.  The mountaintop shows us all the possibilities of the future. Unfortunately, oftentimes, after seeing the possibilities of a beautiful future, we get so excited that we trip and tumble down the mountain into a valley from which we cannot see those beautiful sights. That is where FAITH comes in.

Faith is remembering all the times that God came through for us.  Faith is keeping up hope without having any proof that our beautiful future still exists.  Faith is saying, “All is good” and “Everything will be all right.”


Who Are We to God?

We are God’s children. I am trying to realize the significance of this. I know that if I can grasp this idea completely, there is no fear. Brother Lawrence, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa, the apostles and disciples of Jesus ready to die, modern day martyrs who have peace in their last minutes–they all grasped this.

I am a mother on Earth. I have 6 children who I love dearly no matter what they do. I hope always and pray for them to have the best. I suffer when they suffer. I’ve sacrificed little bits of my time for them to live–2 of them I had to wait and not do anything, lying for months in bed, praying and hoping and waiting so they would live.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.

If we can realize that we are God’s children, we have no reason to fear, for He–the all powerful God who created all things– loves us. If I, as a weak human, can feel this strongly about and for my children, then try to imagine how our heavenly Father must feel toward His children. He formed you when you were in your mother’s womb. He sees you as His beautiful child. (Psalms)

He already knew all the goofy things we would do, yet He says we are more precious than any of his creation (including the beautiful birds who are so innocent) and more beautiful than the wildflowers that people gaze at in wonder. He promises to take care of us. (Gospels)

We are indeed something special–we are our heavenly Father’s sons and daughters, and He loves us more than we can ever understand.

Discouragement on a Tuesday

So, I keep trying.  I planted fruit trees after we moved here.  I didn’t expect anything the first year, and the second year, of course, after a huge frost (which I wrapped the trees in blankets to withstand the cold temperatures–not realizing that the blankets would knock off all the coming fruit thanks to the strong winds), there were no fruit.  We did get a good crop of blueberries last year and a few cereal bowls of strawberries.  We also had good fortune with the green beans.

Today I walk around the trees.  They had blossomed so beautifully this year.  Grew much taller.  And today, I see the leaves are crinkling around the edges.  There are only 2 pears trying to grow out of 4 trees who had all blossomed.  1 plum out of 3 plum trees.  And 3 of the blueberry bushes are totally without berries. The young peaches are leaking.

What is going on?!

What is God telling me?  or maybe it’s another lesson.  Maybe I should just plant grass again.  Who knows.  Maybe I’m trying too hard for the garden in the city.  The mini farm in suburbia.

I probably should not be typing today…I have a glimpse of the stomach virus that the children have had all week.  Probably just a little down all around.  But, I do need to type again.  I need to write.  I will try to make this a regular occurrence…for my one ghost reader.  XXX

Trust and Fly

So, I’m beginning to study Trust this past week or two.  I think that is the answer to the issue about anxiety, worry, fear, and panic.  What is trust?  Well, for those who are bored enough to not mind reading the definitions from , here it is:

noun on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
3.confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:to sell merchandise on trust.
4.a person on whom or thing on which one relies:God is my trust.
5.the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6.the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7.charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone’s trust.
1.Law. of or relating to trusts or a trust.
verb (used without object) rely upon or place confidence in someone or something, usually followed by in or to:to trust in another’s honesty; trusting to luck. have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts. sell merchandise on credit.
verb (used with object) have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on. believe. expect confidently; hope (usually followed by a clause or infinitive as object):trusting the job would soon be finished; trusting to find oil on the land.
4. to commit or consign with trust or confidence. permit to remain or go somewhere or to do something without fear of consequences invest with a trust;entrust or charge with the responsibility for something: We trust her to improve the finances of the company within the year. give credit to (a person) for goods, services, etc., supplied:Will you trust us till payday?
Verb phrases to, to rely on; trust:
Idioms trust, in the position of being left in the care or guardianship of another
      So, trusting is believing…putting your belief into something…be confident and and investing in it…no fear of consequences….depending….relying.  In essence, it sounds very freeing.  Fly like the birds when they catch an updraft….just glide on the wind.  Yes, that’s what I want to do.  I want to glide on all the updrafts of whatever breeze God sends me and to go wherever He directs.
      I need to learn how to  rest and rely and depend on Him.  Yes, it does kind of feel like jumping into the water with my eyes blindfolded.  However, He promises to care for us.  He promises to love us always.  We are his children.  I know I will always be there for my children if possible as a human.  God is even more-so there– always there, everywhere, because He is God.  God keeps giving me hints and showing me signs of His love.  It’s up to me to see them.  When I see them, WOW, how awesome, goosebumping-ly awesome, it is!!  The confirmations I have received over and over in the past two weeks…from strangers’ words said to me, to the Bible opening up to certain verses, unexpected phone calls, surprise visits, preacher’s Sunday sermon, an email, and the list goes on….the same words keep being said and written to me.  TRUST and REST and LOVE.
      Rest and Trust in God’s Love.  “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”  KJV  That means all things….even the wrong choices we make, the mistakes we fall into, the things that people say are wrong, the things which seem impossible to fix….they ALL will work out for the good to us.  Funny…a few seconds ago–just after typing the above sentence–I received a phone call from a lovely friend who when I told her that I was not feeling well, promptly began praying for me on the phone, and she mentioned God’s protection and love.  It’s another little sign to just TRUST and feel and receive God’s love and FLY.

Ooops On Rusty Writing

I was called to attention about my previous post of yesterday by a good friend who said that my original post came across a certain way which was entirely the opposite of what I meant.  I reread it and realized that there definitely could have been confusion about my intent. (deleted 2 lines to fix it, I hope)  Ooops…rusty writing! I would love any comments from my ghost reader(s) on editing or feedback.  I need criticism on my writings.  The last time I sent out a children’s story to several magazines, the only thing I received, if I received feedback, was something like the following: “Thank you for sending us your story.  We do not have a need for that type of writing at the moment.  Please keep in touch.”

That was 22 years ago.  However, it wasn’t the rejection that stopped my writing…it was a marriage that was beginning to unravel and which started a huge snowball of mistrust of human beings for many years..I’m still a bit cautious about humans, but decided that I’m not that great a human, anyway, so I might as well enjoy people–their good and try to put up with their bad (if they’re putting up with mine, only fair).  I am not sure if I ever will write of those misadventures of long ago; however, many people hearing just a couple of the stories have told me I should write a book about that time period (which included getting stuck in several blizzards in different states, living without running water in a log cabin, walking miles up a mountain in a pair of old, very stiff and cold Army boots while smoking my first cigarettes to keep my legs moving, hiding from a tornado in a collapsing basement, getting lost in the Crazy Woman Mountains, and many more of the adventures which I haven’t forgotten already).

Just an FYI–most of the posts on this blog are actually over a 10 year period.  I found some of them when organizing paperwork after moving here 3 years ago.  They might need a lot of dusting 😉